Swoop

 

I never lost as much but twice, and that was in the sod.

Twice have I stood a beggar before the door of God!

Angels - twice descending reimbursed my store -

Burglar! Banker - Father! I am poor once more!

-Emily Dickinson

What a week. What a long week. But such a good week, too. I can testify that God does not leave us alone in our trials. Indeed, there are angels among us. Greg and I are once again left in jaw-dropping awe at all of the angels that have quickly swooped in and out of our lives. Family angels, neighbor angels, old roommate angels, faraway angels.

I have learned that the best thing to say when you don't know what to say is a simple I LOVE YOU or I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU. If words are uncomfortable then give food. Don't attempt to explain why it happened or make it lighter than it is. It may be light to you, but to me it feels like slow suffocation via the anvil on my heart.

I also find it humbling that I've been offered sympathy by people that are single or don't have any children. While they could justifiably say Quit your whining! At least you have a husband and a kid! their love remains unfeigned and without guile. I hope that I can be just as pure in my offerings.

Greg thought I should attend the Relief Society Christmas dinner at church on Wednesday. I was too scared to go. I had worn my coat like armor for two days straight and was afraid of people looking at me. What are you afraid of? These are your friends. Everyone there loves you. There's no safer place you could go. I walked up to the church in my slippers and snuck in an hour late, just in time for the devotional on angels: EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM IS AN ANGEL TO SOMEONE ELSE. YOU ARE SOMEONE'S ANGEL. REMEMBER THAT. That room was full of my angels. Afterwards there were hugs and tears and enough normalcy and laughter to allow me to shed my coat and walk home a little lighter. Smaller anvil.

I love metamorphoses whether they be natural or forced. Caterpillar to butterfly, trash to treasure, sinner to saint...it makes no difference to me. I love the reminder that change is always a possibility. At this moment I know that because of the atonement of Jesus Christ I won't be a sad creature forever. He will help me molt each layer of sorrow until I have a new skin, until I am a new creature (1). The angels are also assisting with the molting.

As a twice bankrupted beggar I am learning that with angels and the promise of new skin there is still much to look forward to.

This was my alternate photo. See, I still have my sense of humor. That line is the best line of the movie. Could Lucy be any cuter? She wanted to eat those corn angels.

(1)- 2 Corinthians 5:17