Kaleidoscope

There were only two fun things to do in my dad's private office: stare at the braided trunks of the ficus tree or play with the black kaleidoscope. I preferred the latter. How I loved sprawling out on the couch, aiming the lens at the window, and twisting the tube to create endless exhibitions of symmetry.

I love the word "kaleidoscope." It's easy to remember how to spell because it's four separate words. Kale-i-do-scope. I like kaleidoscopes more than kale. I was so happy last year when I got a freelance job to design a logo for Kaleidoscope Dance Studio. It was a nice change from designing vacuum catalogs.

Anytime I see that marvelous word I take notice. I noticed it when I recently read a 1994 essay by Neal A. Maxwell on hope:

Those with true hope often see their personal circumstances shaken, like kaleidoscopes, again and again. Yet with the “eye of faith” they still see divine pattern and purpose.

I missed this quote in 1994 because I was too busy turning 18 and waiting for the world to become my oyster. Eighteen was when magical adult-type things were supposed to start happening. Moving away from home and no longer being tied to the apron was less than magical, especially when I contracted mono my first month of college (not from kissing, from sharing a milkshake) and had no one to take care of me. No world oyster freebie for me at age 18, no siree! (Probably wise since my throat was so swollen...no way I could have swallowed a free oyster.)

Mono was just the beginning of magical adulthood. Soon after I discovered that one doesn't receive their auto insurance premium back if they don't get in a wreck that year. The insurance company keeps it NO MATTER WHAT. Between that financial discovery and not knowing what cut of meat makes a pot roast I was completely unprepared for life on my own.

It's now been 20 years since I left home. Eighteen-year old Melissa had no clue what was coming. Earning my degree, choosing a spouse, adjusting to the merge of marriage and the acquisition of an entirely new family, quitting a full-time job to become a full-time mother, the onset and accompaniment of chronic pain, 12 years of infertility, depending on our livelihood from a retail business that would endure an economic roller coaster ride, the simultaneous purchasing of anti-acne and anti-aging products, and a kid that would eventually become old enough to participate in the science fair a.k.a. Parental Nightmare 101 was all in store for me.

The kaleidoscope of my personal life has been shaken many, many times. After reading that essay I wondered if there was a divine pattern that displayed after each of my tumults. I wanted to have that invaluable eye of faith that could focus on the beauty down the barrel. Was there something consistent that the Lord always proved to me after every trial? After much soul-searching I discovered my life's divine pattern:

I WILL HAVE STRENGTH WHEN I NEED IT.

No matter what the Lord decides to put me through I simply know that He will get me through it. I will not wither from my own weakness nor will I ache with apathy. I see it now. I see the artistry in the growing pains, the gift in every loss, and how the bumps in the road polish to perfection. I see how much grace He uses when He places each weight upon me. I have never been more certain that he will make up the difference for what I lack.

I have been experiencing a little anxiety of late. This is a new sensation for me. Mornings start out full of joy while baby kicks me and by dinnertime I'm wondering what the heck I have gone and done to my easy life by getting pregnant. Anxiety's BFF, Doubt, infiltrates my outlook and I begin to wonder if I can physically get to the finish line and have this baby with my bad back and weak joints. Crumple, crumbling, shrinking, praying on all fours, and then I remember the pattern I have seen all my life: that I will have strength when I need it. This baby is the Lord's will and where there's a will there's a way. He will get me through the days that I can't. Head up, stand up, deep breath, smile, press forward, be strong and of a good courage.

Being shaken has a purpose. Being shaken builds strength. Being shaken leads to new beauty. 

*Quote from "Brightness of Hope" by Elder Neal A. Maxwell, Ensign, November 1994.

Did you know a group of butterflies is called a kaleidoscope? They huddle together to protect themselves from cold and predators. Thank you, Sister Reyna Aburto!