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Have you ever been stuck in a place you don't like? Frustrated with the physical limitations of your body? Jealous of what seems to come to others so easily? Confused and alone? Stunted and motionless while others surge past you? Unsure you can fulfill what is required of you? Scared to death of the road ahead?

Then you have experienced infertility.

Sure, sure, it technically applies to couples that can't have a baby but I have found that the emotions of infertility are universal. I was infertile for 12 years (which means I knew what "day" I was on for 4,380 days) and after many efforts and even more miracles I am 31 weeks pregnant as I write this. From the moment my HCG levels soared I have felt the cathartic need to condense the enormous lessons I've learned down to ten capsules that can be easily swallowed. What follows is what I wish I had known from the beginning. We all know someone who wants a baby and the odds are everyone else we know is fighting the same feelings toward a different desire.

Where personal agony is concerned we all suffer uniquely. My advice may be way off, however, this is my angle and I have to proclaim it as I have lived it. I share this from an open heart with the sincere hope it can help any sad soul who is bleeding.

TEN THINGS PEOPLE WITH INFERTILITY SHOULD KNOW:

1. No one is trying to offend you.

The first time I attended a funeral I was uncomfortable and fretted about what to say on the way out. Sandwiched between a hug and a kiss I managed to mutter, "At least he's in a better place," and then drove home with a bumbling hangover of social confusion. What I had wanted to say was, "I am so upset that you will never get another hug from your dad. You can't call him on the phone on a Sunday afternoon or show your new babies off to him in person. I am so sad about this that I don't even know how you are functioning. I wish your dad were still here with you and I don't know what to say to you."

A few years later that friend admitted to me that the most annoying thing from her dad's funeral was when people said AT LEAST HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE or NOW HE'S OUT OF PAIN or anything else that wasn't I'M SORRY, I LOVE YOU. It made sense and then the light went on: I had committed the cardinal sin to her face despite my loving her.

The same thing goes for infertility. I've heard it all. How long have I been trying? Have I been to a doctor? Is it my fault or my husband's fault? Have I tried acupuncture or yoga? Have I tried supplements and oils? Have I gone off of dairy? Have I tried relaxing and going on a trip? Have I looked into adoption? What about foster care? Do I know how the plumbing works? Have I prayed about it?

My funeral experience taught me that a lot of us are on the sidelines watching people we love play in pain. The easiest thing to do is stay quiet from our vantage point. We don't know how to help others with their game because, frankly, their game is foreign/awkward/touchy/maybe-even-none-of-our-business. Somehow genuine love and concern transcends all that and we run out on the field to inquire about the situation directly. We say the wrong words with the right intent.

I choose to believe that people ask because they care and because they care they ask the best thing they can come up with from their (possibly) naive perspective. It takes courage for onlookers to approach you. They want you to have what you want but they don't know how to get it for you. So sprinkle your peanut gallery with a grain of salt and remember that most of the nuts are trying to meet you halfway on the road of concern.

2. No one is having your baby.

When every female you know is getting pregnant, either on purpose or by accident, do not fear. Heaven is not going to run out of babies and no one is going to accidentally get your baby. Look beyond your own yearning, support your pregnant friends, attend those baby showers, and keep your head up. No one is nabbing your baby. They are merely enjoying their own baby.

 3. All family is according to the Lord's timetable.

My good friend Trent Hickman was interviewed by Elder Henry B. Eyring when our stake was being reorganized 9 years ago. Elder Eyring inquired about Trent's personal life and when the subject of children came up he testified to Trent that "all family is according to the Lord's timetable." I trust the Lord's timing and the words of His apostle equally. This helped me let go of the bitterness I used to feel when others got pregnant. God the Father, the architect of the universe and the father of our spirits, knows us individually and has a plan for each of us-including the children we are waiting for. If the Lord has a timetable for me then he must have a timetable for everyone, so who am I to begrudge others for their own appropriately-timed blessings? Just worry about your own timeline.

4. Go to the doctor. Don't wait.

Your OBGYN is not the doctor I'm talking about. I mean go to a legitimate fertility specialist. The $500 initial consultation is not as bad as you are fearing it will be. Yes, you will dive right in to the inner sanctimony of marriage and your body parts. There will be vaginal ultrasounds and sonohystograms and blood work and samples and testing. And plenty of blushing and cringing if you choose to think of it like that. Don't think of it like that. Think of how blessed you are that science and technology have come so far and that you can learn in an hour's time whether or not your tubes are blocked, if you have cysts, if your uterus has a septum or is tipped or has tons of scar tissue, if you have endometriosis, if your husband has viable sperm, if you even produce eggs, if your hormones are high or low, etc.

These 12 years I have been off of birth control because I obviously wanted to get pregnant. My specialist discovered that all of my hormones are extremely low. Turns out that if I had just been on the pill for a time and given my body the cache of hormones it needed I could have possibly gone off of the pill and gotten pregnant on my own. I'll never know but that would have been easier than 5 IUIs and two rounds of IVF as an old lady. Even if your specialist discovers nothing you can knock the monkey off your back and move on knowing you investigated thoroughly.

5. Love your body and think happy thoughts.

Our souls are the combination of our body and our spirit, therefore you cannot be critical of either half without injuring the whole. Your body is an amazing gift from your mortal parents and it hears everything you say about it. Your spirit is the part of you that is the literal offspring of God and is just as fragile. Hating your body for not producing a baby will affect your health as well as your psyche. Hating your life because it isn't what you hoped will diminish your spirit and its capacity for seeing and feeling all good things. They are both no-win situations. You have the ability to control and extinguish negative tendencies. You must be positive!

6. You can do hard things and you won't be alone in doing them.

Even though the Lord can do anything He still expects us to do everything in our power to improve our own situation. I've heard it phrased something like, "The Lord is more likely to help a man who is pushing his cart out of the mud than the man who is praying to have his cart taken out of the mud." I found great solace in the first five verses of Isaiah 43:

But now thus saith the Lord that created thee...Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. Fear not: for I am with thee.

If the Lord has promised He can get us through deep water without sinking, across swollen rivers without drowning, and through fire without charring our flesh then He must expect us to actually jump into dark water, wade into deep rivers, and step into hot fire. He cannot dole out His promised help unless we make the first move.

It was not easy for me to do all the fertility stuff. I am not a risk taker. I don't enjoy going to any doctor. I am deathly afraid of needles and pass out when I give blood. I am also a cheapskate. So what did the Lord need me to do to show I was willing? Gamble with our chosen doctor, have my blood drawn 20 times, inject somewhere around 200 shots, and pay a ton of money. These were hard things for my specific personality. However, I can unequivocally declare that He was with me and delivered me from my fears every step of the way. I even gave myself my last shot. How's that for a turnabout?

I also received great solace from writing down bits and pieces from priesthood blessings I was given over the years. The promises in those blessings strung me along for the better part of a decade and always helped me feel close to the Savior and secure in my knowledge that I was a loved child of God with a plan and a purpose. I wrote all of my blessings and promptings in a special journal and turned to it when those times of need frequently came along.

7. Your best is enough, now go live your life.

It's easy to guilt yourself to death about not conceiving. Don't do it. All you can do is all you can do. I finally got to the point where I had to accept that I had done all that was humanly and scientifically possible to conceive. I had also been a positive-thinking, sugarless dieter who even threw baby showers for others. When I realized I had left no stone unturned and still had no baby I was able to move on with a happy curiosity toward the rest of my unknown life. No need to be a Bitter Betty!

8. Don't stumble over something behind you.

Life is meant to have hard seasons for that is how we grow character. Learn what you can from the hard times and then leave them behind. Believe there are good things ahead and focus on them. You will either get through this or learn to happily live with it. You can do it!

9. Sometimes when things fall apart they may actually be falling into place.

I saw this quote in a catalog. It's true, but it didn't make sense to me until I was on the other side of my trial with hindsight and experience to boot. Have faith that things happen for a reason and that there is wisdom and order in all things. The best laid plans of mice and men cannot compare with the plans the Lord has drawn up for you. I learned that the "falling into place" feeling was an inner peace that made the rocky road bearable. No matter how many failures Greg and I shared we both always felt a deep peace that things were as they should be. 

10. There will be smiracles.

I made that word up. It means "small miracles." The big miracle I always wanted was a baby. I didn't get that miracle for 12 years. However, I got zillions of smiracles. Every time my light and hope were waning I would receive a gentle nudge, a pick-me-up, an earth angel, a phrase, a connection, a blessing...something that answered my secret supplication and charged me up again. The Lord assured me in countless tiny ways that He was aware of me, that my life would be good and beautiful, and that I was not alone. Look for the smiracles. They are everywhere.

Life gives to all the choice. You can satisfy yourself with mediocrity if you wish. You can be common, ordinary, dull, colorless; or you can channel your life so that it will be clean, vibrant, progressive, useful, colorful, rich. You can soil your record, defile your soul, trample underfoot virtue, honor, and goodness...Or you can enjoy the love of the Lord. Your destiny is in your hands and your all-important decisions are your own to make. -Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 235

This is exactly how I see it. You were given the weight of infertility. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to let it dull your life into colorless mediocrity and let it rob you of joy? Or are you going to learn from it, trudge through it, rise above it, and come out of it a more vibrant and loved person? My trial of infertility has been the great blessing of my life and I would not trade it away for anything.

Life might choose your adventure but you get to write your own story.

So write a good one.